Heelarious

Today was a day of highs and lows. When I say highs, I mean nice weather and my favourite new person in the world, who for arguments sake we can call Albert, saving my headphones from being mercilessly chewed up and spat out by the escalator at Oxford Circus station. Somewhat ironically, the low of my day also took place at Oxford Circus station five hours later.  Had it not been for the fact that I went through this episode of public humiliation with someone who makes me laugh on a daily basis and for the fact that it was admittedly hilarious; I probably would have joined the 7yr old I’d seen earlier crying hysterically in Boots.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever taken part in the epic battle of Oxford Circus at rush hour but it makes crossing Middle Earth look like an afternoon at the Wacky Warehouse.  Basically I had a shoe, well, boot related nightmare.  I’m pretty sure everyone has a pair of shoes they just can’t face throwing away. I’m prone to hanging on to things other people would have let go of years ago. The people closest to me will be reading this and imagining a certain blue jacket. Today I was wearing a pair of boots which I have already had repaired once when the heel snapped off. Today, not only did the repaired heel snap off, but both heels snapped off …as I was walking down the stairs into the station surrounded by an obscene amount of people which of course resulted in me falling, well I prefer to think surfing, dramatically down god knows how many steps. My life flashed before my eyes. That was it. The last thing I would see would be the student dressed in a Dalmatian costume shaking a bucket of change in the face of irritated commuters.

Thankfully my friend’s spiderman-like reflexes kicked in and she saved me before I hit the floor. I wish I could say that was the end of it. After approximately 6 minutes of hysterical laughter from my friend and myself, as if the stair surfing hadn’t drawn attention to me already, the realisation that I had both heels hanging off my shoes and was beginning to resemble a homeless child from a Charles Dickens story set in. There was only one option…rip them off completely. I looked at my friend in between outbursts, got serious and told her “ok. Just do it”. Five minutes later after fits of laughter, my friend putting all her weight on my heel and me trying to rip off the heel in a deranged kicking motion I was left standing in the middle of Oxford Circus station with the prospect of the journey home with heel-less boots. Oh yes, socks on show and everything. The biggest laughs came from the Lenny Henry look-a-like tramp singing extremist songs pointing out that I’d broken my shoe a bit. If only Albert had been there. Highs and lows people, highs and lows.

Festive Fear

It's a sad thing to think of yourself as a cynic before you've even reached 25. Nonetheless, not being one to do things half heartedly I'm going to go to town with this particular characteristic and when better to make it known than the 'happiest time of the year'. And by that ridiculously irritating not to mention inaccurate slogan, I mean Chritmas. Here we are again in mid-November and every child old enough to write is asking a fat man they know from the Coke advert for an iPad and every single female over a certain age is holding out for Graham from Accounts to confess his love at the office party. So he's losing his hair, whatever, the prospect of being alone during the limbo land of Christmas and New Year is scarier than his collection of Star Wars figurines.

However, true to form yet unfaithful to the pure definition of cynicism I propose one of the few if not the only saving grace of this stressful, overwhelming (or underwhelming, if you don't get the Scrubs boxset you asked for), and overrated time of year. The shoes. That ' 5-day LBD diet' you ripped out of Glamour and stuck on the fridge isn't going to turn you into Nicole Scherzinger and after several Quality Street induced comas, the likelyhood of that is slipping away faster than the bottle of  Baileys you bought 'just in case'. But your shoes don't care. They will look as good as when you first tried them on and give you something to hold on to during the mid-January downer. Lets be honest, no-ones Christmas 'diary' is as packed and festive as almost every magazine and advert likes to make out. "No my only plans are NOT my mum's uncle's annual cold buffet trying to keep the conversation to the most mundane topics to avoid a domestic....I've got that er, drinks thing."

I don't need an excuse, you don't need an excuse and yet, unless your surname is Ecclestone, you always have to justify a purchase. Which is why, you should feel no guilt in buying a, if not all, of the following. Because, repeat after me: "It's Christmas."

Stick It To Me

There is literally nothing more annoying than wearing a new pair of shoes, especially heels and after one night finding chewing gum stuck to the bottom. Its gross its annoying, it grinds my gears. Thanks to people in London being allergic to throwing their chewing gum away, it has happened to me a lot. However, Kobi Levi has taken it to another level and made a bad thing good, in a 'If life gives you lemons, make lemonade' sort of way, just that this makes you think 'eww' a little bit. But then you get over it and appreciate that it might actually be genius. These shoes make me want to burst into song with a cover of My Sticky Shoes by Pheobe Buffay although wearing a pair of these, you probably don't need to burst into spontaneous song to get attention.

All That Glitters

Christian Louboutin is seriously pulling it out the bag at the moment. To be honest I thought he was beginning to lose his edge and yes I did get the guilt for thinking this, it was quite confusing and I had to have a quiet word with myself as it was bordering on blasphemy or treason or something along those lines in my bubble of a world. When I first saw the pictures of the new creations I thought I was having an delayed attack of sun stroke from three days ago when I thought the only logical thing to do was to lie in the 30C sun and not move for 3 hours (it wasn't a good look). But no, the picture is not distorted in any way or a figment of Natalie Portman's warped Black Swan mind.

They are infact vertigo inducing 8-inch heeled silk and Swarowski encrusted ballet slippers finished perfectly with of course, the red sole which are to be auctioned off to raise funds for the English National Ballet. Unlucky Natalie. Personally I am more for Mila Kunis, she does not look like a potential serial killer unlike Natalie who just because she starred in a slightly above average romcom with Ashton Kutcher thinks I'll forget she is psychotic. Or a good actress.

Unfortunately if you were now hoping to get your hands on the worlds most inappropriate ballet shoes or thinking you actually stood half a chance well, you don't. The auction which comprised of a lot of unique items from designers including Moschino, Erdem and Julien Macdonald closed at 22:30 tonight. Louboutin explained "I could not help being inspired by English National Ballet, after all, isn't the classical dancing ballet slipper the ultimate heel?" er....well no. It is not a heel at all, the fact that it is a slipper makes it basically the furthest thing from a heel you could find, but please, carry on. "The heel which makes dancers closer than any other women to the sky, closer to heaven!" Ok, I love his shoes but now he's treading on thin 'I have visions when I sleep Lady Gaga' ice.

Art and Sole

It is no secret that shoe GOD Christian Louboutin has been in some extremely hot water recently with YSL over the iconic red sole. Personally I could not care less who started the red sole, lets be honest no one would be looking at the soles when you're wearing a pair of spike encrusted Bridget Louboutins'. There has obviously been pressure in the Louboutin camp to come up with a unique campaign in order to firmly hold on to its' place as the master of high fashion shoe designers. The campaign is centred around recreations of reneissance and impressionist art incorporating a model from the Fall 2012 collection. François Clouet, Georges de la Tour, Jean-Marc Nattier and Francisco De Zurbaran are several of the artists whose iconic works of art have been incorporated into the undeniably memorable campaign.

The combination of the statement shoes with the equally beautiful masterpieces seems only appropriate considering Louboutins' creations have often been reffered to as masterpieces their own right. Mostly by me. However, I am the first to admit that some of the models from the collection are not at all striking and as much as I want to love them, they just seem too 'try hard'. The Puk boot is the perfect example. I don't care if you're Kim Kardashian, Cameron Diaz or Daphne Guinness if you wear these you are going to resemble a half human half farm animal creature from a poor but big budget remake. A bit like Pierce Brosnan in Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief. Do not watch that film. Glad I didn't...

One of the most striking images from campaign is the recreation of James McNeil Whistlers' 'Mother in an Allegory' in which the subject is seen holding The Tootsie boot in the plam of her hand.  My favourite image though is the recreation of a masterpiece by Francisco De Zurbaran where the protagonist is looking at that shoe with the same longing expression I had when I walked into Selfridges two weeks ago and left with clinical depression. A beautiful and elegant campaign for beautiful and elegant shoes, perhaps this will calm the storm of the impending fall from grace which loomed for Louboutin.

Picture This

No writing today, no sarcasm, no irony, no ranting, no raving just pictures to make your mouth water and resent your bank balance.

Don't look down

Forget wedge ankle boots, wedge heel sandles and wedge Espadrilles, the new wedge has arrived. If you can call it that, even SuperWedge seems tame for this shoe. Senso have created the ultimate wedge heel taking it beyond any extremes previously attempted. Not only is the black leather vertigo enducing heel embellished with silver studs, the shoe itself is draped with black stretch chiffon. Stunning. Wear at your own risk, she shoe dares wins, ladies.

Sad Boot True

Sunday night never fails to deliver in the random discoveries department, the kind that are only possible when you are pushed to extremes that only that intense Sunday boredom can lead you to. Obviously you start with the standard 'WTF' and 'FAIL' pictures, cats with ironic captions, demotivational posters etc. But then, you come accross something that makes you forget that picture of the dog with a party hat on forever. This has just happened to me. My first reaction when I saw the following shoes was to instantly think of the Family Guy sketch where Peter Griffin gets acrylic nails "Oh heeey Larhonda, I got four people on hold but sure, I can talk." (youtube it). While I can not think of a single person: celebrity or human, who could pull these off without being plastered all over the 'Fashion disasters' page of all the weekly magazines, I can not help but like them in a weird way. I have not been able to find out who is responsible for this hot mess, or if they actually have anything to do with Nike Air Jordans, the classic shoes which they have been adapted from. If they are from Nike, which I highly doubt as there is not mention of them on their website and they are only for sale on websites with names like 'dunkheelsforyou.com', I would be impressed at them taking a risk. A stupid risk, but a risk nonetheless. Obviously they are a niche market, and could very easily fall into gimmick territory along the lines of Heelies...definitely did not own a pair which I saved up for when I was 11. But there must be a market for them as they are easy to get online.

I have a ridiculously clear mental image in my head of one of those couples who mirror each others style. You know what I mean, the couple walking around town on a Saturday afternoon channeling Jay Z in Wrangler boots and Beyonce in Timberland heels. He's in his Nike Hightops and has bought his girlfriend a pair of these to go with her new Adidas originals jacket. The more I look at them, the less I can make excuses for them. I am now getting the feeling of  despair of sitting through a horrible teen dance film. A stupidly goodlooking young girl who looks suspiciously old for a teenager has to look after her brother and sister in rundown dowtown LA inbetween her shifts at the old peoples home after volunteering at the soup kitchen, finds her only solice in street dance. I have come to the conclusion that these are for the girl whose boyfriend is wearing these creations from Jeremy Scott for Adidas:

Wishoe Were Here

Summer's here. I got an excited txt from a friend this morning 'Omg it's 24 degrees outside' WOAH. seriously? 24 degrees in June?? Mental, get your gypsy skirts out ladies, the heatwave is about to hit. I will admit the words "it's not even cold in the shade" did come from me this morning, immediately followed by the frustration of knowing that a British summer is as tempremental as Grace Jones off crack and the likelyhood of the weather lasting was slim. Either way 24 degrees means no more tights, opaque or otherwise or boots. And after an overhaul of my summer shoes I realised the same 2 pairs of ballet flats really arnt working anymore. A phobia of flipflops has meant I've stayed loyal to pumps and abarcas which yesterday I discovered are now being sold in Office. This makes me all different sorts of annoyed. Firstly because for years the reaction I've got from wearing Abarcas anywhere outside of Mallorca has been along the lines of  "what the hell are they on your feet?!" and secondly because the shoes I love so much I have a mini keyring of them are now destined to be worn by the Espadrille brigade.

Realising I needed to wean myself off them I did what any self respecting addict would do and turned my dependency to Gladiator sandles. My love for Gladatior sandles is deeply rooted in my slightly obsessive character. I say slightly obsessive because I'm (not so slightly) obsessed with anything Roman, to the point where I heared Flux by Bloc Party and heard "We were hoping for some Romans" rather than 'Romance'. The highstreet is offering the best selection I've seen since Gladiator sandles took off and of course Cavalli, among others are there to tempt.

Ralph Lauren manages to make Gladiator sandles preppy with the 'Marsha' woven dark brown leather sandles.

Extravagence from Roberto Cavalli with beige leather and crocodile sandles. Not for the PETA meeting.

River Island have over 20 different styles including embellishments, embroidary, dyed leathers and gold metal cuffs.

Don't Shoe Forget About Me

Some people are good at organising, packing, making lists, tidying etc. I am good at none of these things. In the slightest. Organising my wardrobe happens over 2 days probably once every 3 years and when it's done I have a feeling of satisfaction probably equal to that which Mark Zuckerberg must get everyday when he wakes up. Today though, I had the task of unpacking 90% of my personal belongings back into my room at home and apart from the depressing realisation that the biggest pile in my wardrobe was pyjamas, I rediscovered shoes I had completely forgotton I owned.

Hiding in the depths that never see the light of day I found gold glitter high tops, aqua Converse covered in embroidered flowers, studded stilettos and a pair of boots I had totally disowned and replaced. I actually got the guilt. We're all guilty of it, throwing shoes, a t-shirt or an old leather jacket (yep. found one of them too) to the back of the wardrobe and never giving it a second thought and in my case, then buying several identical articles months later. I've been told to be more positive so I took one for the team and got over my guilt in approximately 4 seconds and got that instant win feeling of finding a £10 note in an old bag. Obviously I then got over eager and began trying on every new pair I discovered, which did not really give the best over-all look teamed with a t-shirt probably older than myself and Kermit green pyjama shorts. Standard unpacking uniform. At the moment of discovery I could not think of one single reason I would have disowned these beauties in the first place, I have a horrible feeling time will tell. I have promised myself that I am not going to let the new found appreciation be short lived and will get use out of them. That is until I finally get my hands on a pair of Jeffrey Campbell 'LITAs'...